Tilting at Windmills

As we “celebrate” the two-decade anniversary of The King being unceremoniously shown the door by the OU administration, some around the country are understandably taking their own shots, as well.

Some shots are being taken by those who were still shitting in their diapers when Switzer left. Others are being taken by those who have reverted back to shitting their diapers and think their bedpan is their cat Millie that died in 1977.

Get off my lawn!

Today’s cloud-yeller, Tim Hutton, takes umbrage with The King’s not-so-subtle backhand of Howard Schnellenberger in Rohde’s Oklahoman story. What really stuck in his walker was this:

Rock bottom came during coaching stints by former player John Blake and Howard Schnellenberger.

“I hated to see that, especially for John, the mistakes he made,” Switzer said, before adding, “I didn’t feel that way for Schnellenberger, though.”

Make mine a double.

Hutton, who apparently knows dick about Oklahoma football and gives The Drunk some folksy, WTF moniker – “The Voice” – doesn’t think Howard was some old, boorish drunk who sent players to the hospital due to heat stroke, took a dump on the history of one of the most storied programs in college football and would have completely decimated Sooner recruiting were it not for John Blake coming in to at least do that well for the following three years.

I give The Voice a huge advantage in this clash of egos.

Switzer did run a dirty program in his final years, and I can understand why Schnellenberger distanced himself from him.

The Oklahoma job was a bad fit for Howard.

That’s about as simplistic as Sarah Palin watching Pootin from her backyard. The topper is that Hutton starts reveling in the glory of increased page views and unique visitors, calling for FAU to play OU in a bowl game.

I gots three for ya here, Tim:

1. You got it. Let’s put each other on the schedule. We’ll even go home and home. We’ll even spot you two touchdowns and a handle of Jameson in Norman.
2. First, you have to make it to a real bowl game to play us. No, we’re not accepting an invitation to the Prefabricated Furniture Bowl sponsored by Palm Harbor Homes.
3. Were FAU to turn water into wine and actually make it into a real bowl, there’s no fucking way you’re another Boise State. Bring it.

If the Los Angeles Clippers do as they say and take Blake with the number one pick in the June 25 NBA Draft, The Beast will work for one of the biggest douches in professional sports, which is saying a lot.

Fuck you, I'm still El Jefe!

Donald Sterling, who made his bajillions by acquiring real estate in the Los Angeles area and redlining (allegedly) the units, bought the San Diego Clippers in 1981 for $12.5 million. He’s seen that asset (that’s all he considers it – a financial asset) into a $297 million franchise. Sounds like a great ROI, right? A team that Sterling has run with a green fist for almost 30 years is the #25 valued franchise in professional basketball.

Now, granted I’m a writer and fairly shortbus when it comes to numbers, but Forbes magazine isn’t:

The Los Angeles Clippers lease at the Staples Center sums up owner Donald Sterling’s philosophy of running the franchise: maximize profits by keeping fixed costs low. The Clippers pull in less revenue from premium seating and arena advertising than the typical NBA team. But they pay only $1.5 million a season in rent at the arena, which is owned and operated by AEG, owner of the Los Angeles Kings and a minority stake in the Los Angeles Lakers. The Clippers have posted more than $9 million in operating profits the past five seasons despite fielding one of the worst teams in the league.

What that says to me is that not only will Sterling not provide corn dogs on Corn Dog Night, he won’t even go to the trouble to do the promotion in the first place.

Corn dogs, Donald! Corn dogs!

Miserly finances are just a bit part of Sterling’s asshattery, though. Here’s a brief rundown of the sterling career of one of professional sports’ biggest Scrooges:

• In 2005, he was ordered to pay $5 million to settle a lawsuit in which he refused to let non-Koreans live in his properties in Koreatown.
• Also in 2005, Sumner Davenport, hired by Sterling as property manager over a shitton of his holdings, alleged sexual harassment. Davenport alleged that Sterling “tried to kiss her and touch her breast, and he once appeared at the door of his Malibu home clad only in a towel.” Sterling responded with character assassination and was cleared of the charges.
• In 2003, he testified about a $500 a night “freak” (read: hooker) he paid to screw “all over my building, in my bathroom, upstairs, in the corner, in the elevator.” Sterling rationalized it by saying “well, I fool around sometimes.”

Sterling’s legal troubles are far from over, too. He’s now being sued by Hall of Famer, Top 50 NBA Player of All-Time and City of Angels icon, Elgin Baylor, for wrongful termination of his role as Clippers’ General Manager (a title he held for 22 years). Baylor’s letting it all hang out, too:

• Baylor alleges that Sterling wouldn’t rent to Hispanics and African-Americans in Beverly Hills because “Hispanics smoke, drink and just hang around the building” and “Black tenants smell and attract vermin.” Impressive.
• After taking Danny Manning with the #1 pick in 1988, Sterling balked at the amount of jack due the Kansas star. “I’m offering a lot of money for a poor black kid,” Sterling allegedly told Baylor.
• The reason behind the suit is just as odious: Baylor alleges he was “grossly underpaid” ($350k per year) and “unceremoniously released … on account of his age and his race.” Apparently Baylor thinks new coach and GM Mike Dunleavy’s $5 million salary is a little skewed.

Talk to the hand, Elgin.

If you have a few minutes an hour, there’s a great read in Sterling’s hometown LA Times about how his supposed philanthropic project to house the homeless is really “a troubling, ego-inflating gimmick dreamed up by a very rich man.” In fact, many in LA doubt the project even exists, except in large font sizes within expensive advertisements.

So, Blake … good luck. You’re about to get a quick lesson in the hard world of professional sports and slimeball billionaires who run the show. Our advice: play basketball to the best of your ability, sock as much money away as you can, keep your nose clean and if you do in fact end up playing for Sterling and the Clips, get the hell out of there ASAP.

Chuck Woodling, some old codger in Kansas apparently thought today would be a good time to bag on Tisdale.

I especially like it that he specifically points out that Wayman was on the team that “had the temerity” to beat his beloved Hawks in Lawrence and win the Big 8 title, then refuse to apologize for celebrating. Boo-frickity-hoo.

To the Jayhawk fans’ credit, nearly every comment is taking him to task for his incredible lack of sensitivity and utter douchbaggery.

At the very least, the Lawrence Journal-News should issue a retraction and an apology to the Tisdale family. The paper should go a step further, though, and get this old fart a case of Musilix because he’s obviously backed up.